(image) During the year I have felt creeping around the corners a sense of urgency in my creativeness and working life that I have only now put a name to. I don't like it. A feeling that somehow you can only do great leaps of things when you're a certain age, that I better make up my mind because I'm getting older. Of course logically I know this is a load of rubbish, but it still niggles like a true irrational thought. I don't like to think that I must decide and stick to something. I'm more of a sporadic 'ooh look at that shiny thing follow it follow it.. ooh look over there that looks like fun follow it follow it follow it...' kind of girl (which is another thing, do you call yourself a woman or a girl? 'Woman' seems to imply more than I can fit on my shoulders sometimes). Like perhaps with age my enthusiasms and interest will escape me and if I haven't achieved something extraordinary then I may wake up and wonder what happened.
Seeing those damn teenage entrepreneurs in the paper doesn't help. Or the middle-aged people on the train that seem resigned to whatever their lot is, standing slumped and withdrawn. They scare me. They leapt over puddles once. Where does creativity and zeal go? Can you keep learning and exploring all of your long long life? Can I keep wandering around through life trying things and seeing how they go? Or is there some kind of maturity code that stipulates the time to 'settle down' and make up your mind? Do you know what you want to be when you grow up? Will we ever know?
Have you ever felt this urgency? What did you do?
Yeah. I get that. I actually find that blogging, while it has boosted my creativity and crafty productivity, has also added that sense of urgency - almost competitive edge - to my creativity. The desire to have a great idea, quick smart! Which is odd because I don't want to make a living from this or get 'popular', so sometimes I just have to sit back and really practise enjoying the process more.
ReplyDeleteHoly Moly Pepper Girl... I do know what you're talking about! I don't know how old/young you are but I'm 42 and I still feel that way. I tell myself I lost my trajectory when I had kids, but really, I do know what I'm like and I've always dropped what I'm doing and run after the new idea/shiny toy my whole life. It worries me too. I want a purpose and to achieve something but can't sit still long enough to do it! I've no answers I'm sorry, but maybe it helps to know you're not the only one? (And yes, I still think of myself as a girl too!) Take care :) K
ReplyDeleteI like this post, its really reflective. I'm thinking that what ever you do, no matter how long you do it for or how good you are at it, the most important thing is that you're happy.. positive.. because if you're not then you probably end up like those people that scare you. So.. as long as it makes you happy then its right for you. Ya reckon? I reckon!
ReplyDeletep.s... ..A girl or a woman? A woman! Idunno.. There's something dauntingly complicated about the idea of being 'grown up', faulted though we are and still learning despite our age, think about how much you've learnt and experienced, and how its made you a shining example of what it is to be a great person. You don't have to know all the answers to be a woman :) I guess its just a word anyway so it doesn't really matter :) hehe.
It's funny you know, the more people I get to know in the crafty community, the more I discover that we all seem to explore multiple crafts and don't feel a need to be consigned to only one... and I love this.
ReplyDeleteI can't offer any advice, because I am exactly the same, but I say just run with it - as long as you're having fun, meh. What's the harm, right?
at the moment i've been feeling a bit of panic. most of the people i work with are about 5 years younger than me, they're uni students and hey i'm just a team leader in a restaurant. then i hang out with my boyfriend and his friends and they've all got 3 uni degrees or they're doing their masters and i just feel like i'm nothing and lame and that i should do something. its just another thing for me to stress about really.
ReplyDeletei don't know what i'm going to do with myself.
i like to make things, i'd happily never leave my unit and just sew and crochet and bake all day every day. but i have to pay rent.